Tifa's Da Man
by Speedy Speck
Summary: After Reno makes a wish, Tifa starts acting like a slobby, perverted man...One-Shot...Written for 'The Sacred and Profane'


Disclaimer: Final Fantasy VII does not belong to me...however much I may like it to. I own no characters, places etc. etc. so please don't sue me! I'm a nice person :)

Author's Note: This is my twenty-seventh fanfic...And it's my longest...but not my best!... One-Shot... And it was requested by 'The Sacred and Profane'...Hope it's ok! :) PLEASE review as I really enjoy reading your views and they inspire me to get better! It would make me very very happy! Anyway stop reading this and get on with reading the fic! Hope you enjoy! :D

The red head leaned against the wall, staring out of the window, he was restless. It was almost silent outside, which was a rare occurrence for Edge, with its various bars and clubs, the streets were usually filled with rowdy drunks, but tonight seemed different. Even the wind seemed to have ceased, and the trees stood still, casting eerie shadows across the ground below. The only thing that seemed to be breaking this calm was one of the street lamps across the road. It was buzzing violently as its bulb began to fade, and as the Turk stared at the flicking orange, he was mesmerized.

He was brought out of the dream like state by the gentle moving of the form laying in the bed next to him. Her long dark brown locks cascaded onto the pillow, leaving her pale pretty face free from their grasp. As he looked at her sleeping shape, he took the time to savour the contented expression that played across the young woman's face. She seemed so calm and tranquil, it had become rare of late that he was able to see her looking so serene. When she was awake, she'd be constantly stressed, forever worrying. Whether it was about the bar, the flat, her friends or even her appearance. He desperately wanted to help her, but he just didn't know how. When he told her that she was beautiful, she just shook her head and sighed, when he told her to let her friends sort out their own problems, she'd say that then she'd be being a bad friend. The flat always seemed spotless, but the young woman seemed to be endlessly cleaning, telling Reno it was a mess compared to Yuffie's house and when it came to the bar she seemed almost terrified that it would get taken from her unless it was constantly at its best.

Reno sighed as he watched the gentle rising and falling of her chest as she breathed softly, letting out a small moan in her sleep that seemed to bring even more comfort to the young woman as a blissful smile crept its way onto her pale pink lips. _The only peace she seems to get is in her sleep..._

The red head turned his attention back towards the window and looked up at the sky above, beautiful twinkling stars filling the twilight cape of darkness.

A small chuckle escaped his lips as he spoke, ''Sometimes...I wish Tifa was more like a guy...''

He then made the journey back under the covers and curled up next to the young woman's warm form, slowly joining her in comforting slumber.

What he hadn't seen was at the moment he had spoken his wish, a bright shining light had shot across the sky, so quickly that one blink and you'd miss it. Leaving nothing but the twilight cape and no evidence of its existence.

* * *

The Turk woke the next morning to a rather unpleasant smell. _Tifa's not cooking again is she? _As he turned his head he found his girlfriend still lying next to him. He dipped his head under the covers and took a deep sniff, ''Ergh!'' _Was that me?..._ With his nose still winkled, the red head stretched his arms and gently rose from the bed and made his way to the bathroom.

He took his time in the shower, after all it was the weekend and he didn't have work. Reno would never admit it, but he liked a good grooming session, especially when it came to his hair. Although it looked unkempt, it took a lot of work to get it looking like that. The red head went through conditioner like crazy.

The Turk finally left the bathroom a good forty minutes later, wearing nothing but a rather pink looking towel wrapped around his bottom half, leaving his pale, but toned chest on display. As he left the room, he noticed the bed was now empty _Tif must be up..._ It had surprised him that she had still been in bed when he awoke, his girlfriend usually got up at the crack of dawn, _She must have really been exhausted... _He grabbed some trousers and pulled them on, before heading to the living he entered he was hit with an overpowering stench that reminded him strongly of stale sweat and alcohol.

''Well...this is new...'' Tifa was sprawled on the sofa wearing very dirty jeans, and a plain baggy t-shirt, legs wide apart, hand down trousers, drinking what looked like a can of lager, _It's ten in the morning..._ and watching something that looked strangely like some sports channel... _I thought she hated that kinda thing..._

She belched loudly before turning to her boyfriend, ''Hey babe, could you grab me another can?''

''Hey...darling...are you...feeling ok?'' He wasn't sure what was going on, but it was definitely freaking him out.

She sighed and looked at him with annoyance, ''Not great...''

The Turk furrowed his eyebrows in concern waiting for her to continue.

''The Chocobo Warriors are playing like a bunch of bloody imbeciles!''

His eyebrows raised in surprise, ''Oh...right...''

''Now get me another can damn it, I'm parched!'' She attempted to throw the empty can in the bin, but it missed and bounced off the side, but instead of getting up and putting it in herself she just shrugged her shoulders and turned back to the TV.

Reno stood watching her for a few seconds before shaking his head and making his way to the kitchen. He was a little disgusted to find piles of dirty washing up littered around the room, pans dripping in oil, empty packets and plates covered in various foods. _What the hell has she been doing...I though she was on a 'diet'..._

It took him sometime to rid the kitchen of the greasy mess Tifa had left for him. _This is gross...just...gross..._ He'd never been one to enjoy cleaning, but this was just pushing the bucket... As he wiped the last surface clean he heard his girlfriend call from the next room, ''Yo! Dude! Where's my lager? Don't tell me I have to get it myself...'' A few moments later, the young woman stomped into the room with a rather disgruntled look on her face, ''What's taken you so long, I told you to get me a can like thirty minutes ago...''

''Well I was busy trying to clean up your mess!'' The red head was not pleased with having to spent a good chunk of his morning clearing up after his girlfriend.

''Pfft... It wasn't a mess, just a few plates...god your neurotic...'' Tifa reached into the fridge and pulled out a couple of cans before lazily strolling back to the living room.

He was just about to respond with some witty comment when the phone rang,

''Yo, Reno here, who's calling?''

''Hey Turk boy! Is Tifa there?'' It was unmistakably the voice of the young ninja Yuffie.

He peered around the door where he was met with the sight of Tifa picking her nose and then rubbing her finger absent-mindedly on the arm of the sofa, ''Erm...she's indisposed at the moment...I can give her a message for ya?''

''Okie dokie Renee-''

''My name is Reno...''

''Yeah yeah whatever Renee, listen just tell her I called to remind her that she's meeting up with me and Elena tonight and we'll be around at about six to pick her up ok?''

''Erm well-''

''Great, thanks Renee, see ya later!'' And with that he heard the young ninja put the phone down on him.

_Oh great...just great... _The red head shook his head as he placed the receiver back down and gingerly made his way to the next room.

He spoke hesitantly as the young woman seemed completely enthralled by the screen in front of her, ''Yo...Tif...''

She gave another rather loud burp, ''Yeah babe...''

''Yuffie just called...asked me to remind you about tonight...''

''Tonight?'' She didn't move her attention away from the TV, but her eyes seemed questioning.

''She said you're going out with her and Elena...told me to tell you they'll be over at about six to pick you up...ok?''

Tifa just waved her hand at him, ''Oh yeah, yeah whatever...'' She patted the spot next to her, that just happened to be cover in empty crisp packets, ''Come and sit down babe...''

_I wish she'd stop calling me babe..._ Reno gathered the packets into a pile and placed them on the coffee table before taking a seat next to his girlfriend.

Tifa handed him a can of lager before taking another large swill of her own.

He looked at the item in both disgust and curiosity, ''Isn't it a little early to be drinking darling?''

''Pfft, never to early for-'' Another burp escaped her lips before she could finish, before she let out an angry cry at the TV. Reno could only guess her team was losing...not that she even had a team...

He watched her shout at the screen for another few minutes, unsure of what was going on and what he should do.

The Turk took note of her hand nestled deep in her undergarments. ''Do you have to have your hand down your trousers like that...it's...weird...not to mention...slightly gross...''

She gave a rather manly snort, ''Please...you do it all the time!''

''I do n-'' He stopped when she raised an eyebrow at him. ''Well sometimes but...It's different!''

''Whatever Turk...'' The young woman turned her attention back to the game, lowing herself even more into the sofa.

Less than ten minutes later the game ended, though Tifa still sat flicking through the channels until yellow sparks and a loud bang sounded from the back of the television set.

The red head looked at it with exasperation, ''I'll go call someone to repair it...''

''No need, I'll fix it!''

''You don't know anything about mechanics!''

''Pfft, so..!'' And in almost no time at all the young woman was round the television set and unscrewing the back.

''I really don't think you should be doing that...you'll make it worse!'' Reno really didn't like the idea of Tifa messing around with electronics.

She let out another snort, ''Please, it'll be a piece of piss!''

''But I...'' He put his hands on his hips in annoyance, but couldn't think of what to say, she was being rather insistent not to mention crude, ''Fine...fine...you just...do that then...I'm gunna...go out for a bit...''

Just as he was about to open the front door he heard her call, ''Babe! Could you pick me up some nudie mags?''

Reno raised an eyebrow both surprised and a little aroused,_ Nudie mags..._ ''If you're sure...''

* * *

When he returned, with groceries to re-stock the nearly empty kitchen and a couple of 'nudie' mags for his girlfriend, he found the living room absolutely covered in pieces of wiring and various screws.

''Still not done then?''

She looked at him in frustration, ''Hey it's nearly fixed!''

''Then how come half of it's still on the floor?''

''Pfft, they're useless parts! Don't need them...''

Reno raised a rather suspicious eyebrow, ''Really..then why do the company put them inside the TV in the first place?''

She shrugged, ''Padding...'' and then turned back to the mess that was the back of the television set.

''Right padding...'' shaking his head, he walked to the kitchen to put the shopping away.

He returned to the living room with the magazines she had asked for, and threw them on the coffee table, ''There you go...why do you want them?''

''What do you mean, why do I want them?...why d'ya think?''

''But...they're full of naked girls...you don't like girls...''

''Says who...'' The young woman grabbed the magazine closest to her and started flicking through it with a gleeful, if rather perverted expression. ''Here you have one!'' She threw Reno another magazine then waved at him to join her.

The red head wasn't sure whether to be turned on or disgusted, but eventually he gingerly sat down beside her. ''So...this is...different...''

''Hm...look at her...now she is HOT!'' She was pointing to some blonde bimbo wearing nothing but a fluorescent pink thong.

''Gotta say darling...she's not exactly my type...I prefer brunette bartender's'' He smirked at her, but was met with a single blow to his head, and he toppled onto his side.

''Yo babe! What was that for?''

''I hardly touched you...poofter... you wanna get some of these!'' She grabbed her crotch, as if trying to cup non-existent balls.

* * *

It was nearing six o'clock and soon enough a rather insistent knocking sounded from the front door.

Tifa turned to her boyfriend, ''You get it, I'm gunna go get changed...''

_Well at least she's gunna wear something else..._The red head walked slowly to the door, and upon opening it, was greeted with the sight of Yuffie and Elena. The blonde Turk hovered behind the girl, while the ninja just looked at Reno with indignation.

''Hey Turk boy, move it!'' The ninja pushed past the red head and skipped into the living room, leaving Elena standing rather nervously on the door step.

''...Hey Reno, can I come in?'' She gave him a polite smile, even though she wasn't Reno's biggest fan, she still liked to be courteous.

He sighed and nodded his head before moving aside to let her pass.

Once they were all gathered in the living room, Yuffie looked around confused, ''Where is she then? Don't tell me she's handcuffed to the bedpost coz you two were playing some weird sex game!''

He raised an eyebrow before answering, ''...She's in the bedroom getting 'ready'... though I think I should warn you about something...''

The ninja placed her hand of her hips, ''Oh yeah, what's that then?''

''Tifa...is...well...she's been acting a little...strangely...''

A smirk crept onto Yuffie's face, ''She dates you, that's strange enough...''

His brow furrowed a little before he too smirked, ''Fine...fine...I'll just go get her for you...'' _I'll leave them to be surprised..._

As he was about to open the bedroom door, it flung back, exposing Tifa, who much to Reno's amusement seemed to be wearing his clothes, though they didn't look as good on her. The trousers hung loose around her butt and the shirt was tight across her chest, her hair on the other hand had been pulled into a messy ponytail.

''Going for a new look babe?''

She just raised an eyebrow at him before strolling towards the living room, with the red head following behind.

When they both entered the room, the two women swung round and Reno had trouble holding back his laughter.

Elena's eyes widened and confusion soon spread to her face, whereas the ninja just stood there open mouthed.

The blonde Turk was the first to speak, ''Hey Tifa...you look...nice...''

The brunette just shrugged, and buried her hands with the trouser pockets.

Yuffie was still examining Tifa, as if not quite believing what she saw. After a few more moments though she finally managed to speak up, ''Tif...what...the hell...have you taken something...or...or did you get a knock to the head?''

Again the brunette didn't answer, but merely raised an eyebrow, before turning to the red head.

''Laters babe, don't wait up...'' She grabbed Reno by the shirt collar and pulled him into a rough kiss, before finally letting him up for air. Tifa then gave him a rather hard slap on his butt before draping her arms over the ninja and the blonde Turk, and proceeded to steer them out the front door.

* * *

The ninja and the blonde Turk strolled behind the rather masculine looking young woman and whispered to each other.

''What d'ya suppose is wrong with her?''

''Maybe she just...fancied a change...'' Elena didn't really know what to make of it, but she didn't want to be rude.

The ninja raised an eyebrow sarcastically, ''What? A sex change?''

Elena sighed, ''No...but...maybe Reno's ways are finally rubbing off on her?''

''Told you he'd be a bad influence...''

''And you're not?''

''What do you mean?''

''You're a thief...you steal things...''

Yuffie looked at the blonde in outrage, ''Well what about you! You're a Turk! You kill things...''

''Ok, we're just as bad as each other...so lets give the woman a break...''

A few moments pasted as the ninja thought it over, ''...Hm...fine...but I still think killing things is worse than stealing...''

They carried on walking slowly behind the young bartender until they came across a rather fancy looking bar called 'Sapphire'.

''Oh! Let's go here, this one looks nice!'' An excited look played across the ninja' face.

Tifa looked at it unconvinced, ''Looks a bit...sissy.''

''It looks fine!'' The ninja grabbed both the bartender and the Turk and dragged them inside.

Within five minutes of being there Tifa had downed two lagers and was now on her third.

Yuffie looked at the amber liquid in disgust, ''Don't you think you should slow down? And when did you start drinking lager?''

Tifa grunted, ''Stop being such a pansy...''

The ninja was about the respond when the blonde placed a hand on her shoulder and shook her head, leaving the young girl muttering to herself, ''Pansy...call me a pansy...I'm a great ninja...pansy...she's the pansy...''

Another few minutes past, filled with uncomfortable conversation. Mostly because Tifa wouldn't stop insulting every overweight customer who pasted their table but also because she kept commenting on how great Elena's breasts were.

The pair were relived when the brunette finally drained the last of the amber liquid and looked disappointed at the empty glass, ''I'm gunna go get another drink...'' Tifa got up slowly and lazily strolled to the bar.

The blonde looked at Yuffie, ''Well...that was weird...''

''Weird...it was insane...she must of had a knock to the head...''

The Turk nodded her head in agreement, ''Mm...either that or...Reno finally pushed her over the edge and she's decided on lesbianism...''

Just as the brunette was about to order her drink, a young dark haired man approached her, letting his eyes stroll over her body, examining every curve. Tifa didn't notice, as she was busy paying the bartender.

The young man smirked at her, ''Nice rack...''

''...What did you just say?'' Tifa narrowed her eyes and shifted them to the young man.

''I said nice-''

Before he could finish the brunette had laid a rather furious punch onto the man's youthful face and within seconds the pair were wrestling each other on the floor.

''Go Tifa!'' Yuffie shouted encouragingly.

''Don't encourage her!'' The blonde looked at the young ninja disapprovingly.

She flashed the Turk a mischievous grin, ''I'm not gunna encourage her, I'm gunna join in!''

''No Yu-'' In a flash the young ninja had jumped onto the wrestling pair and seemed to be pulling the young man's dark locks.

Soon over two tables and four chairs had been pulled into the destruction and other customers had joined them in the brawl. The noise coming from the rowdy group was deafening, and the blonde Turk stood on the side lines watching, not really sure whether to join in, or to break them up.

Luckily for her she didn't have to choose either. The ninja and the brunette found their own way out of the crowd, not injured but out of breath.

''Maybe we should make a move?'' Tifa looked at the pair with raised eyebrows while they nodded.

Elena looked apologetically at the owner, ''I'm sorry, very...erm...sorry...'' and hastily pulled the ninja and the brunette by their collars and hoisted them out the door.

Once they were outside the cold air hit them, and made the little ninja shiver.

The brunette sighed, ''Well I guess we'll have to go somewhere else...''

* * *

They searched around a couple of streets before the brunette spotted a rather grimy looking bar.

Tifa pointed at it, ''Yo babes, what about this one?''

The pair looked at each other and both mouthed, _''Babes?''_

Before they could argue, Tifa had already made her way inside, so all they could do was follow.

The interior was slightly different than they had expected. It was relatively dark, yet brightly coloured lights lit a small dance floor, giving the bar a slightly retro feel. The stools were covered in red velvety fabric and the space smelled strangely of men's cologne.

Tifa viewed the dance floor with joyful curiosity before turning to her friends, ''Come on babes, lets dance!''

Within seconds the brunette was pulling moves that neither the ninja or the Turk had ever seen before, or even thought existed.

Yuffie just stood there open mouth, ''This...is so...embarrassing...''

''Well...it's not...that...bad...'' Elena attempted to make her voice sound reassuring, though her face told a different story.

''Hey you two! Come on!'' Tifa was waving at them, while grinding into a fellow customer.

The pair both raised their eyebrows and let out uncomfortable smiles before Elena managed to answer the brunette, ''Erm...we're ok...we're just gunna go...sit down...you just...carry on...with you're...dancing...''

Over forty minutes passed before the brunette finally made her way off the dance floor.

The ninja looked at the blonde, ''I'm gunna go get some more drinks...you have fun with the weirdo...'' Elena held her hand up in protest, but Yuffie had already disappeared to the bar.

Tifa slumped down in the chair beside her friend, wrapping her arm around the blonde Turk's shoulder.

Elena eyed it with confusion, ''Erm...Tifa...what...what are you doing?''

The brunette smirked, ''Come on Elena, loosen up...''

''Loosen u-'' Before she could finish the brunette had pressed her lips to the Turk's.

When Elena had finally managed to loosen the grip the young woman had on her, she looked incredibly confused, not to mention a little shocked, ''Woah, Tifa what...I...you're...what the hell?''

''Chill babe...it's no big deal...''

''No big deal? But you're...I...I'm not really into...you know...I mean...'' But for once words failed the blonde.

As Tifa leaned back in her chair, she grabbed her crotch, ''Trust me babe...I've got a bigger package than Tseng...''

Elena raised both eyebrows, ''...Package...?''

Just as Tifa was about to elaborate the young ninja plonked herself in-between the pair and handed each of them a drink. ''So what have you two been talking about?''

* * *

The rest of the evening was over quickly and it was early morning when Tifa returned. She crashed into the house, causing so much noise, it sounded like a rhino had come to visit.

Reno had fallen asleep on the couch waiting for her to return, but was quickly awakened when she entered the room.

''Yo darling, you're back really lat-'' Before he could finish she grabbed him and attempted to plant another rough kiss onto the red head, though when he smelled stale smoke on her breath he pulled her away and held her at arms length.

''Have you been smoking?''

She shrugged, ''Yeah what of it?''

''I thought...I thought you hated smoking...I mean you made me quit last month!''

The brunette just rolled her eyes, ''Pfft...''

''Don't pfft me! What is wrong with you, you've been acting weird all day!''

''Hey, there's nothing wrong with me, you're just a nut case...''

''Why are you being like this? You're acting like some slobby, rude, selfish, perverted...MAN!''

''Well at least I'm more man than you are! You pansy!''

_Pansy...?_ ''Listen, I don't know what the hell has gotten into you, but I don't bloody like it!''

''Get a grip...''

''Tifa...you're acting like a complete jackass!''

His girlfriend sighed, ''Get over it...''

''...We need to talk about this!''

She shook her head at him, ''No we don't, get control of your emotions for god's sake!'' When she was met with silence she continued, ''...I'm gunna sleep on the sofa...''

Reno stood there opened mouthed and speechless for sometime before storming into the darkened bedroom, trying to hold back the tears that seemed to be desperate to escape and stream down his face.

_What is happening?...Why is she acting like this...It's like some horrible nightmare...she's acting like...Cid!_

He ran both hands through his unkempt hair before beginning to get ready for bed. All he wanted was to go to sleep and forget the events of the day.

Before pulling the thick curtains across the window to block out the piercing white moonlight the red head sighed ''I just want my wife back...''

* * *

He reached out his arm to the pillow next to him and soon remembering that his wife had slept on the sofa. He felt the cold empty space, longingly wishing it was filled with her sleeping form. As he pushed himself up onto his elbows, he turned his attention to the bathroom, where a large amount of steam was creeping from under the door.

Not long after the young woman exited the room, wearing a white bath robe, her wet hair twirled and clipped up, though stands had still managed to escape and stuck to her moist skin.

A joyful smile played onto Reno's face, ''You showered!''

She looked at him with a degree of suprise, ''Well...I smelt terrible!''

He was about to disagree out of politeness, but decided to be honest, ''True...you did...you...really really did.''

A mock look of outrage played across her pretty face as she jumped onto the bed.

''Sorry about last night...I was being an ass.''

Reno chuckled at the word, but then his expression took on a hint of seriousness, ''What came over you yesterday darling?''

She considered the question for a few moments, ''...I dunno...but I'm glad I'm back...'' She gave him a small smile before continuing, ''All though I did rather enjoy myself...''

''Hm?''

''It was nice not to worry so much...you know?...Was good to just...chill...though I don't think I should ever try fixing the TV again...ever''

Reno began to smile, ''Really...does that mean you've learnt something from your little...crazy moment?''

She nodded gleefully, ''Uh huh!''

He gave her a playful smirk, ''Good...now you're coming back to bed!''

''But I've got to clean the-'' But he stopped her reasoning with a deep, intense kiss that made the hair on the back of her neck stand on end.

When they finally parted for air, she gave him a contented smile before laying her head on his chest.

The pair stayed in the embrace for some time, the young woman listening to the beat of his heart and the young Turk stroking her soft, warm skin.

After a good five minutes had passed the brunette suddenly turned her head to look into the red head's eyes.

When he saw the expression on her face was was both confused and curious.

''Just so you know...We are so burning those magazines...''

He smiled with relieve before pulling her close to him once again, ''Happily...''

* * *

A/N= I tried my best with this, not sure if it's that good... And in the arguments between Reno and Tifa I tried to reverse the roles, so Reno began taking on the role of the woman...stereotypically. I do hope I brought that across...oh and I also know not all men as slobby and perverted...I mean look at Reno :) Oh and not all lesbians are butch either...


End file.
